How Not to Write a Conference Paper

With my game face on, I entered the swarming mass of musicologists at our annual conference over the weekend. I chatted with colleagues while simultaneously scanning the crowd, searching for important scholars that I wanted to meet. I diligently rehearsed my one line answer to the inevitable question, "What are you working on?" Proceeding smoothly through such inquiries, I, unfortunately, bungled my way through the follow-up questions. Luckily, I printed off some dissertation abstracts, which I optimistically imagine may have redeemed one particularly embarassing debacle. Yet, in an amazing reverse of personality,I transformed from a reticent corner-hugger into a skilled self-promoter. It seems as though I finally harnessed my father's political gene.

Annual conferences, while certainly about schmoozing with the right people, is also a foray into the wilds of conference paper writing. The best papers possess an elegant, conversational style. These authors take care to write in short sentences, provide appropriate visual aides, and play at least a couple samples of the music to which the paper refers. On the other hand, when I find myself imagining of a steaming cup of hazelnut coffee, I know a conference paper has let me down. Over the weekend, I witnessed a particularly sad instance of conference paper writing. First of all, the handout consisted of four pages of a multilayered chart which analyzed the one musical example discussed in the paper. Visually confusing, the handout provided little clarity. The author spent two thirds of his time going through this handout, leaving only ten minutes for the real payoff of the paper. Though this paper was about mysticism, the paper itself, disappointingly, was mystifying while meaning to demystify.

While sometimes boring and anticlimatic, sitting through conference papers can reinforce some basic conference writing concepts. First of all, one must actually read the paper outloud in private before giving it before a crowd of bleary-eyed, hungover conference participants. Secondly, one must at least try to make sure that handouts make sense and will not encourage an audience pumped up on caffeine to feel more antsy and nervous. Lastly, a conversational paper and amiable demeanor is far more effective than a complicated paper, a belligerent tone, and erratic hand gestures.

As I finally begin coming off my own sugar high, caffeine binge, and exhaustion from a late night singfest, I begin thinking of my own conference papers coming up. I feel a renewed sense of confidence after seeing how not to write a conference paper.